MY JOURNEY HOME

Another lesson from my 3 year old

2011-04-22T02:34:00.003-04:00

So for what seems like forever I have heard it said that one of the most annoying traits of young children is their nonstop questioning of everything with the word "Why." Apparently, though she does sometimes use the word "Why" (mostly when we make a decision that contradicts what she wants to do) that is not Madi's favorite question. Madi will do or say something and within a few seconds will ask the question "That right Daddy?" or Mama if she happens to be closer to Nichole.

This of course got me thinking about what she's really asking. She's asking for our validation. She needs reassurance that her opinion or action or thought process and verbiage is correct and we accept her for it. Maybe she's advanced for her age in doing this, but it's my thought that for many of us that is all we are looking for as well.

I believe that many people are dissatisfied with their occupations because they either don't get told that they did a good job or they aren't challenged enough because of how mundane their job is so they never even look for any sort of validation. Instead, they feel like they do something a trained monkey could do and so they never let themselves get to a place of even being able to accept a compliment from anyone else or work in a manner worthy of a compliment.

Then there is family. Many couples split up because one no longer feels loved by the other. Many times you will hear of infidelity but rarely do you get to hear what that was led out of. I believe if you really got down to the bare bones of the issues couples have much of the discord comes from the lack of validation on the wife's end for all the husband tries to do for the family and the opposite is true of how the husband fails to value and validate the time the wife tends to put in caring for the home and children. This then translates into discord in more aspects of the relationship leading to a lack of intimacy which many times is sought out in others because of a deep need from early childhood to receive validation for what you do.

Continuing to look at the family one also has to notice the children. My Madi is very verbal in her need for acceptance and validation while my oldest Ariel is not. Does that mean she no longer needs to hear good job, I'm proud of you, or keep up the good work? No, she still needs to know that she is noticed and an important person in our life.

The other side of this which is just as important is our need to hear when we didn't get something right so that we may work on it and fix it or adjust to the person we are doing whatever for.

An example, in trying to help my wife recently I took the girls to the store to buy groceries and I decided while I was there I wanted to buy my wife Tulips to show her I was thinking of her. While at the store I was talking to her on the phone and we decided I should take Ariel to get her haircut as it needed to be done and time would not be on our side to get it done later in the week. Because of the groceries, I decided to run by the house quickly and drop them off to ensure none of the food spoiled in the Florida heat, I put the flowers on the center of the table and put the cold food away but dropped the dry goods on the counter and then ran back out so that I might hurry to get Ariel's hair done and be home as close to the time Nichole got home as possible. When I arrived home my wife was not very happy to see me. "Why?" you ask (seemed opportune). Because in my rushing around I left the kitchen a mess, she was trying to get dinner going, but had to put away the rest of the groceries and clean the dishes that hadn't been finished yet from breakfast before she could cook.

Here I came in thinking about how excited she was going to be that I got our daughters haircut, got the groceries we needed and the fact I even bought her tulips but that clearly was not the case. This of course upset me and the more I tried to get her to show a little thanks the more frustrated she got which in turn irritated me. In the same way, Nichole had been working, she rushed home to fix me dinner while I was running errands with the kids. Unfortunately, what she came home to not only kept her from doing that which she wanted to do but by my adding to and not cleaning up the mess she felt that I did not appreciate and accept her and her contributions or else I would have validated them by cleaning the kitchen and putting away the groceries.

Were either of us in the wrong? No. Did that matter to either of us? No. Why? Because we both had a desire to feel that acceptance and validation. We were trying hard to do something for the other instead of focusing on what the other needed. Yes, I appreciate and value all Nichole does, working, taking care of the kids and home, and cooking. And yes, Nichole appreciates and values all I do, working, taking care of the kids and home, and when it's my turn cooking.

The next morning after I got off work I let her know I was sorry that my focus was not on what needed to be done first to help her and I let her know how much I enjoyed the meal she fixed and she apologized for getting worked up when she knew I was being helpful and she let me know that she actually noticed the tulips when she first walked in and loved them but they got lost in the frantic state we all get into.

So here's where the rubber meets the road. Guys you aren't going to love this but the Bible clearly states that the husband is to take the lead and set the moral code. So, as part of my exemplifying Christ and His love towards my wife and children and striving to be more and more like Him, I am going to try to be more active in my validating my wife and kids. Now here's the thing just as God the Father accepts us, thanks to Jesus sacrifice for us, we must accept our family. It is important to say when they do something right how much we appreciate it and what a job well done and when they disappoint us or make a wrong decision explain that it doesn't effect our love or acceptance of them but there are better ways that they could have responded and acted. Wives and mothers have the responsibility to do likewise. Men if you want to see your wife act more appreciative of you be more appreciative of her, wives if you want your husband to validate the work and effort you put in then validate the work they put in. As a man I can assure you we do not always want to be off working or in the garage changing the oil or in the yard raking the leaves but we do them as our part in caring for our family.

Take time to validate one another. Show each other you love and accept them. Bosses do your part to show that you care for your employees and when they do a good job let them know you notice and when they do a poor job explain why.

Madi thank you for continually teaching and reminding me of the little things as it's the little things that can make the biggest difference.

Life, Death and Learning

2010-06-30T03:54:00.008-04:00

This has been a tough year for many of those closest to me as well as myself. 2 months ago we had a miscarriage and all I could lean on was the fact that God is sovereign. There is no swaying that and allowing myself to believe otherwise would not enable me to be there for my wife as she grieved, which in turn I put off because I was focused on the kids and her. Then I was listening to a sermon (can't remember if it was Piper, Driscoll, Stanley, or Dukes) but the term grace was used. This word grace set off a sensor in my brain that took me back to a place from a year earlier when my small group had studied 1st Peter and we looked at the story of Noah. It says in Genesis that Noah was shown favor, that of course is the OT (Old Testament) term for grace. And I thought on this word favor which led to my writing the following couple paragraphs which I have never published until now:

Sovereignty has been something disputed. Is God sovereign or isn't He? He obviously can't be it just some of the time. It's the belief that God has everything under His control that allows us to get out of bed in the morning. In the New Testament we know that it is by "grace" that we have been saved. A sovereign grace that our own works had nothing to do with. In the Old Testament the word used is "Favor." Noah and his family were saved because he found "favor" in the eyes of God. Abraham was favored by God. Israel was the chosen, favored nation. Grace takes on a new meaning when you look at it through the term favor. If I receive grace because I am favored the lens of life changes, I can't look at it the same. Obviously, we can become proud (like the Israelites) that we were chosen to receive grace, but what happens when it doesn't seem like you have been favored?

I realize what I deserve is death, that's the wages of sin, it's what I have earned, but I have received grace. Sometimes events happen where the grace isn't as apparent, when you feel anything but favored. Solomon knew all about it when he wrote that there is a season for everything. Then there are times where you believe you have been favored and it is as if the favor has been taken away. I understand David crying out from the depths. I can relate to the pain he must have felt when his best friend was taken from him.

How do we recover from loss? How do we come back to a place of feeling favored? Intellectually I know that I am favored but emotionally I feel anything but. It's so difficult to sit by and watch something dear to you and your most loved of ones disappear and then not be able to heal the hurt that is left in that void. To know others love you and want nothing more than to help but not be able to even express how it is you feel or what it is that hurts is extremely frustrating.

Even now these words take me back to a place where I hurt, not just for myself but more for my family. Over the past year my older brother and his wife lost a baby as well and a couple weeks ago my mother's first child (Michael Patrick) would have turned 40 had he not been lost in delivery. As we hurt my Mom and sister-in-law were feeling very similar pain, but it didn't stop there. Many other families came to us and explained how they had similar experiences and were still dealing with the pain of the lost child, obviously that pain sticks with people even 40 years later.

All this has allowed God to speak to my Dad and he is now leading a movement to start a memorial for all the lost children of those that live in the area, whether they were miscarriages, still-born, aborted or lost very shortly after birth. Many families do not have a place to go to and remember the life that was a part of them, or if there is a site it may be out of state (as in the case of my mom). This in turn has led to a discovery of how many people are effected and never given the support they need in this time.

All that brings me back to what originally held me together GOD IS SOVEREIGN! Without his favor even in pain we wouldn't now be in a place to help minister to others, we wouldn't know how to love those that lost something so dear. Even in this God has shown His favor. Christ said we have to take up our cross and follow Him. That means supreme surrender. He said that you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul and strength. That means He gets all your love, all of it. In spite of circumstances He requires that love. He ever went as far as to say you must hate your family to follow, which is simply you can not put anyone before the Lord (much easier said than done believe me, it's a daily struggle). This means even loving Him through tough painful circumstances.

So even in this He has shown His unmerited favor on our family. Which leads to the project, a memorial wall and life garden are in the works for the west orange and south lake communities. It's still in it's earliest phase but there are ideas and prayers being lifted for the opportunity to give something back to the families which have lost something so dear. It also may open up doors to minister to families individually who are still dealing with the loss or just recently had a loss. If God is talking to you at all about helping in this process I ask you too get involved. Is this something that potentially could help in the healing process for you and what might that need to look like.

There is a tendency to take the hurt and put blame and question God and His motives but we will never understand the mind of God because our brains just don't have the capacity to see the big picture but we can lean on the fact that He works all things out for the good of those that love the Son.

What is hindering me?

2009-10-22T05:07:00.002-04:00

So as I was working last night I listened to a sermon on the "Sermon on the Mount" more specifically the section of Matthew 5 we all refer to as the "Beatitudes." One of the verses seemed to stand out for the pastor and it also has stood out for me. God blesses those whose hearts are pure, for they will see God Matthew 5:8 New Living Translation. After spending many months in deep study of 1 Peter with my Life Group, it became clear that God is a refiner. He wants our hearts to be pure, and the reason why is obvious so we can see Him, for that in and of itself is the blessing. The blessing is not having a good job or a good retirement, it is not having kids who listen or excel in school (though having kids in and of itself is a blessing God allows us to have to get just a small picture of His immense love for us), it's not even having good health or any health for that matter, it's seeing Him. So suffice it to say death in and of itself for a Christian is a blessing. I believe it was Paul who said "to live is Christ and to die is gain" I can only imagine that what he meant was to die I get to feast on the entire blessing. But obviously the implications of what Jesus was saying seems to have less to do with the coming blessing at death and more to do with how we live our lives in the present. The pastor contended that this may mean that "I may need to say no to some things created to say yes to the Creator." He went on to explain our selfishness and how we worship not just idols of many kinds but also ourselves when we act so selfishly. So my question is how do we practically say no to created things without becoming legalistic? For legalism in and of itself can yet again become another form of idolatry for it is the opposite of humility? I have some thoughts as to this but am curious what others might think. Take a second and jot down your thoughts.

Life Just Doesn't Stop

2009-09-02T05:43:00.000-04:00

It amazes me when people say things like I'll get to it when I have more time or right now my life is too busy it'll be better in a couple of years. Not only are we not guaranteed tomorrow, as I get older one thing I realize is you don't have any more time today than you did yesterday. A major reason why time is so short and life is so busy is thanks to children. Our little girls are now 9 (Ariel) and 2 (Madilynn), both are at ages that require lots of individualized attention.

Ariel is at the point where she just wants to spend time with friends regardless of the hour and if she can't be with them then get ready to listen to her talk your ears off (just ask any member of my family). I really don't know where all the words she has to say comes from. We have to share her weekends with her biological dad, it's been tough but we have accepted it and God has let us know everything was going to be alright thanks to the bear he brought us (which if you ask me I'll explain what I mean). I say it's something we've accepted but it doesn't seem to be something either of the girls have. Ariel complains and groans when she has to go and Madi spends the entire weekend looking for "My Ariel" as she always seems to put it. Tomorrow Ariel will receive a "Terrific Student Award" and has asked that I go see her receive it, which of course I want to go, especially because my schedule permits me to go. Upon telling her I would be there she danced and jumped and attempted to do a new cheer thingy (oh just to make things busier Nichole is coaching her cheer leading squad which I think I'm looking more forward to then even they are... for the comedy that will be coming from Nichole of course.) But it's taking this time and making room in our schedules that is so important. Yes, I want her to grow and act a certain way, but if I don't go ahead and take the time today to show her how to live my chance will be gone, remember tomorrow will most likely be busier than today just like today was busier than yesterday.

Then there is Madi who is all about getting into anything and everything she can. We talk about how some kids fall into trouble and then some go looking for it, she is obviously the latter. This past Sunday she was playing in the Worship Center of the church we are part of and she escaped from Nichole's watchful eye. As soon as she got free she seemed to find the most dangerous thing she could and ran for it. She attempted to go swimming in the full church baptismal (for those of you who don't know we believe in immersion so this is an almost four foot deep pool). I searched for her everywhere close to the last place she had been spotted and then proceeded out from there. Thanks to God one of our friends happened to see something moving close to the baptismal water and grabbed her just as she got about waist deep. Needless to say constant attention and supervision must be paid to her at all times. Madi also has no desire to ever wear clothes other than shoes (she has an early shoe fetish she just loves going to shoe stores) and when she is clothing free she seems to gain super-human powers leaving us helpless in the pursuit of clothing her. But she also is at a place where she needs reassurance and building up and needs to see how proud we are when she does things right not just how irritated or upset we are when she does things wrong. And in a blink of an eye she will be Ariel's age and all this will just be a memory.

You know many of us ignore God in the same way we ignore our children. We tell him we don't have time or tomorrow will be better to spend time with Him and in this case just like with our kids WE ARE THE ONES MISSING OUT BY NOT MAKING TIME. I cuddled both girls at different times today and told them in different ways how I was proud of them and love them in much the same way as I was held and told how special I was by my heavenly Father today. Sure I might not have done everything right in His eyes but that wasn't what He decided to focus on. For those of us who are in Christ we have an example of how to be the ultimate parent. From Him we receive grace, peace and patience, grace always comes first. Do we give to our kids that which we have received? Don't get me wrong I am a horrible parent when compared to the Lord.

I guess what I'm getting at is life just doesn't stop, no matter who you are or what you have planned. If you have children let today be the day that show them how much you care. If you don't personally know my heavenly Father get to know Him today. Don't put off to tomorrow that which needs to be done today. Unfortunately, we as Americans tend to be a nation of procrastinators, but that doesn't mean we have to be. Go! Move! Do! Ariel and Madilynn Daddy loves you.

Living A Life That Causes Questioning

2009-08-28T05:17:00.000-04:00

I was listening to a Pastor not long ago who asked the question "Are we living lives that cause people to question us?" It made me start thinking about all Peter has been saying to our Life Group as we have been studying 1 Peter. He makes it clear that we have been set a part. We are a chosen people... a royal priesthood... but do we act like the rest of Middle Class America? The observation was made by Voltaire that "God created us in His image and now we have returned the favor." What this is saying is we have so manipulated our image of God that the God we think we serve looks just like us. The kicker beyond that is we look just like the rest of society, the only difference most of the time between the "Churched" and the "unChurched" is who gets perfect attendance on Sunday. Peter says any sinning you have done it's enough... you don't need anymore. It was enough to cause the separation from our Heavenly Father and it's enough of our living for our own desires. If you sinned a little before you were saved then that was enough... if you sinned a lot then that was enough. Becuase we have manipulated God to our "heavenly buddy" we are missing out on the blessings HE wants to bestow on us. Whether we act like it or not He is still sovereign, He will be the one who judges the living and the dead. My hope and prayer is that we are living lives the cause others to question us. Let's repent of our sinful ways, live for God and others, and offer ourselves as the pure white bride that He deserves. As a side note I was reading recently about how the Christian life is mostly lived in the grey areas of life. It is my hope that this isn't true. I thought up a little play on an old riddle from growing up it goes something like this "What's black, white and red all over?" The old answer is a newspaper but for us as Christians it should be our lives. There is right and wrong and it is absolute and when we screw up we should ask for forgiveness and the blood of the Lamb will cover any of our tresspasses.

No More Re-Mixes

2009-07-29T03:38:00.000-04:00

It has been a long time since I posted anything, not that anyone cares, but I have decided I needed to write down my thoughts on an issue that is driving me crazy.

I have read many "Christian" books as of late on the state of the "church" in America and they all seem to come to the conclusion that what we need is a RE... Any of you who are in church culture know the re I am speaking about and for those of you who are not lets just say we need a 2.0 (little tech savvy term). All I read is statements like Re-invent, Re-surge, Re-connect, Re-interpret, Re-define, Re-think... and many, many more other Re's. As I see it all the Re's are just to market new philosophers offering the same opinions on the same subject with updated rhetoric.

We do not need a Jesus 2.0, a Great Commission 2.0 or a Vision 2.0. What we need is to follow the original commands to love God and others and share that love. We need not spend out time discussing our differences, we need to start lining up to our calling. At some point the church (that's you and me who are in Christ) will have to stop worrying as much about being hip and cool and start being real (I know that starts with a r and e). Hopefully, we agree that like Jesus we have to meet people where they are. We need not escape from culture into our irrational reality but rather be mobile and living inside the culture that so desperately needs the love of Jesus shared and given to it.

There is no need to Re-state the Great Commission but there is a need to live it out. I think Peter stated it best when he said in 1 Peter 2:8b-9 "They stumble because they disobey the word... But you are a chosen race, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people for His own possession, that you may proclaim the excellencies of Him who called you out of darkness into His marvelous light." We've been set apart to do good and proclaim the love that has so lavishly been given to us. And for those of you who don't know who the stumblers are they are the religious. And the word he speaks about is the gospel, which is to be shared. Jesus says that the healthy do not need a doctor. My fear is all we've become are a bunch of "healthy" people who are doctoring one another and none of the doctors are going to help the sick.

Here's where I am going to be different then all those authors I started talking about. I am going to live out that calling to GO!! This means in my work place I treat people right and when given the opportunity I share with them why I act the way I do I share the real reason. This means when given the opportunity to spend time with my neighbors I do and love them and respect them as fellow people who have been created in the image of the most high God. This means when my daughter has friends over instead of being worried as to how weird I might be thought of I will make it a point to open the Bible in front of them and discuss that which I am studying with my daughters in front of their friends. This means I will walk along side friends who are hurting or are in need and give them freely what has been given to me. And I will disciple those who God places in my life that are willing to learn and I too will be willing to learn from those who have gone before me.

I guess what I am trying to say is I AM THE CHURCH AND THE ONLY WAY FOR THE CHURCH (ME) TO START LIVING OUT THE GREAT COMMISSION IS FOR THE CHURCH (ME) TO DO AS I HAVE BEEN COMMANDED AND LIVE IT OUT.

It is my prayer as fellow people of His own possession you too will GO!!

Be of Good Cheer

2008-10-26T21:24:00.000-04:00

He never ceases to amaze me. How could He? He's in control of everything and with everything in His hands and on His heart He chose to seek after me. He has called me His beloved, His precious, His chosen, and His son.

Nichole and I decided to follow God's tugging and start a new Life Group. It became overly apparent that God wanted us to look at His love and the calling, no commanding, of us to love and be loved. Be loved Beloved WOW!!

So in preparing I wanted to look back into Leviticus and Deuteronomy and see what Jesus was quoting when He said "Love the Lord your God with all you heart, soul and mind... and love others as yourself." In doing so I was again amazed that it was the same. Why you ask? Simple, I've always been taught there's the Old Testament of God as a wrathful, God of War, and the New Covenant where He is a God of love and reconciliation. The simple truth is it's all a love story. We were made to love Him and in doing so we will love others. It's a radical love that exudes (our word of the day... thanks Nichole and Harry) from us.

Be of Good Cheer!!! The angel's said that news was of great joy, Noel, God with us. God's not only with us but knows us. Knows us fully.

So tonight I'm doing my normal gig, routing routes, typing up load sheets, and listening to some of my favorite teachers online (get fed through many outlets) and sure enough some of the scriptures and concepts we have been and will be looking at are being reaffirmed. He's faithful, His love endures (it's been there for all of time) and He wants you to be of Good Cheer. Don't let the issues of today, money, politics, wars, bring you down. Take your focus off all the bad news and get plugged back into the Good News. And it is just that Good News, fresh everyday and it will get you through the day and can help others get through theirs.

Bless Him

2008-09-29T23:01:00.000-04:00

Has your mind been blown lately? Have you learned something that has stretched you so far you've had to even change the way you eat?

I recently heard and further studied about Blessings. The Church today asks God to bless everything. Bless our meeting, bless our trip, bless America, bless this bless that. How small is our thinking? As Christians we know we have been given all the blessings. We don't need a sacrifice for Jesus fulfilled the debt and beyond that has overflowed to us all heavenly blessings.

OK, so what? We want God to bless our time. He already has, how bout we use our time to Bless God? Let's ask Him how we can and then follow through. Oh that America would Bless God. Take some time and research what all blessings you've been given and then think about how small your mindset of God really is.

I have been so challenged that even saying "grace" before meals have changed. I'm now asking that the food nourish my body so that I might be able to bless Him. Renew your mind, expand your thinking, and let God out of the box.

Bless God America
Bless God Church

The Battle of Right and Wrong

2008-09-18T21:55:00.000-04:00

Over the past few weeks questions have arose over our oldest future and whether people truly deserve second chances. Legally she is my step-daughter but there is nothing step about it. She is my daughter and a socially acceptable title is not emotionally acceptable. Unfortunately, a man that has had less then very little contact with her is now trying to disrupt our family. I've never met the man and I am struggling to forgive him for the transgressions not to me but my family members. Christ teaches to love and accept others even those that have hurt you, a lesson that is much easier taught then followed and practiced. Now we will spend time in a court system wasting tax payer money, not even a note or a phone call of intentions to bridge the divide.
So what's right what's wrong?
When is what's best for our kids, best for our kids.
When did a judge gain the ability to know what's best?
How much bad does someone have to do to be labeled as bad?
Prayers have been raised, but we will not just give up.

LOVE MANIFESTED

2008-08-09T11:24:00.000-04:00

LOVE IS ONE OF THOSE THINGS YOU ALWAYS THINK YOU KNOW UNTIL YOU KNOW. EVEN GETTING MARRIED... AT THAT POINT I WAS SURE I KNEW LOVE, BUT EVEN THAT WAS A SMALL PIECE OF WHAT LOVE REALLY IS. TRUE LOVE IS THE MORNING YOUR LITTLE GIRL IS BORN AND YOU REALIZE SOMETHING HAS BEEN MISSING FOR ALL YOUR LIFE. LOVE IS REALIZING THROUGH THIS YOUR WIFE COULD NEVER BE ANY MORE BEAUTIFUL THAN HOW SHE IS RIGHT THEN. IT'S THE OVERWHELMING THOUGHTS THAT YOU HAVEN'T PREPARED TO GIVE THEM EVERYTHING THEY WILL NEED. IT'S KNOWING THEN THAT EVERYTHING YOU DO FROM THIS POINT FORWARD AFFECTS MUCH MORE THAN JUST YOURSELF. IT'S A YEAR LATER HEARING "HIYA DADDY" WHEN YOU GET HER OUT OF BED AND IT NO LONGER MATTERS WHAT TIME IT IS. THEN LATE ONE NIGHT YOU REALIZE THAT ALL THE LOVE YOU HAVE IT'S NOT CONDITIONAL, IT'S NOT MARGINAL, IT JUST HADN'T EVER MANIFESTED ITSELF TO THIS POINT. THEN IT'S THE FURTHER REALIZATION THAT EVEN THROUGH ALL THE YEARS OF SELFISHNESS THAT AN UNCONDITIONAL LOVE HAS BEEN GIVEN TO YOU. YES YOU NOW KNOW THAT YOU WOULD EVEN DIE FOR ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN TO SAVE THEM AND YOUR HEAVENLY FATHER HAS ALREADY DONE SO AND YOU SEE THE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE. SOME ASK WHAT IS LOVE... IN TIME YOU WILL KNOW.